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I have a plan!

I have a plan!
I have a plan!
I have a plan!
I have a plan!
I have a plan!
I have a plan!
I have a plan!
I have a plan!
I have a plan!
I have a plan!
I have a plan!
I have a plan!
I have a plan!
I have a plan!
I have a plan!
I have a plan!
I have a plan!
I have a plan!
I have a plan!
I have a plan!
I have a plan!
I have a plan!
I have a plan!
I have a plan!

Thrice Homicide

Here is all you need to know to understand. Murder them three times, and they're dead. Murder them two times and you're dead. Murder them one time, and you never know.

Brother Bob gave me a ham and cheese sandwich that came from the back of his food service van. I murdered him once and I never did know. Simple as that.

We called him Wheels because he rolled on a stretcher when he went out. It was a big scam too, the bastard could walk, but he was a regular on those T.V. evangelist shows. They'd wheel him in and say veteran, war hero, madman and then the man in the suit would push him off the stretcher, just dump him on the floor like the trash he was and old Wheels would roll and bound up, screeching, on his own two naked legs. They gave him a cut from the prayer donations. Some shanker from out of town heard all this and came to murder Wheels for his donation money and Wheels murdered him first, slice, and then murdered him second, splash.
Of course you see, he didn't murder him enough, they found the shanker and they found Wheels. He didn't know any better, but few do.

Murdering a person three times is hard if they're not really a person after two, if they're just cut and skin and eyes after two. An animal is those things. You can't murder after that, only a madman murders after that and few are.
Here's the trick.
My own cousin. I go to war, I murder him. I come back out in pieces, I murder him. The pieces hated him, anyway. We lose touch, he dies. He dies the death of martyred saints and his eyes are Brother Bob and his legs are Wheels' fine-boned naked legs and he dies a hundred times.


Here is a list of the things I like

this list is a list of the things I like

I like vacuums, toads, and a tight fitting shirt
I like cork-board, pizza, and cuts that hurt
I like reverse dildos and meat with fat
I like bunions on my feet that I can pick at

Here is a list of the things I like this list is a list of the things I like

I like a painting of a pony and a vcr
I like the kind of make up that makes me a star
I like the touch of a man when he taps me on the head
I like the sticky sauce when I wake up in bed
The rare post of life reflection:

- I'm excited to graduate next semester, and I'm equally anticipating grad school. However, there's a bit of drainage blocking focus. The school injections are becoming a little too frequent and stale. I was on the fence, but I've decided that I'm taking the spring off and not starting the program until summer or fall of next year.
- "Siamese Placebos", "Locusts Where Our Eyes Connect", "Push/Pull/Push", "For Those Who Are Afraid of Ceiling Fans", The Definitive Sponge" "Parasite Tree" - possible titles for this short story collection. Even if this really crappy minor publishing deal never comes through, I want to get it out there eventually.
- Just visited my family in Illinois after an eight year absence of the state. My cousin Gwen is adorable. The city of wind bustles with culture. I finally spent time a wonderful, beautiful person and it was grand. Despite some awful bickering on the rides to and fro, a very satisfying trip.
- Still a bit upset over Aubrey. I'm not used to bitter break ups. Past relationships have ended on the best of terms. I suppose this spoiled me. I'm coming along fine though, there's just some lingering thoughts I must remove.
- If I was gay, Vince Gilligan would me by lover.

friggin' panda

wet dream.

"Songs About Fucking" - Big Black
"Hum of Life" - Dog Faced Hermans
"The Land of Rape and Honey" - Ministry
"Weasels Ripped My Flesh" - Frank Zappa and The Mothers of Invention
"People Who Can Eat People are the Luckiest People in the World" - Andrew Jihad Jackson
"Psychic...Powerless...Another Man's Sac" - Butthole Surfers
"Lasterday I Was Been Bad" - Happy Flowers
"Plastic Surgery Disasters" - Dead Kennedys
"Head" - The Jesus Lizard
"Rather Ripped" - Sonic Youth
"Blonde on Blonde" - Bob Dylan
"I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass" - Yo La Tengo
"Monster Movie" - Can
"Friend Opportunity" - Deerhoof
"Album: Generic Flipper" - Flipper
"Birthdeath Experience" - Whitehouse
"Hopscotch Lollipop Sunday Surprise" - The Frogs
"20 Jazz Funk Greats" - Throbbing Gristle
"Just Keep Eating" - Scratch Acid
"Murder Ballads" - Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds
"Two Nuns and a Packmule" - Rapeman
"Soul Discharge" - Boredoms
"Bambi's Dilemma" - Melt Banana
"More Songs About Buildings and Food" - Talking Heads
"Fucking a Girl in Front of My Father to Prove I'm Not Gay" - Magik Markers
"Taking Drugs to Make Music To Take Drugs To" - Spacemen 3
"Sexy Pee Story" - Cows
"GodWeenSatan: The Oneness" - Ween
"Intellectuals Are the Shoeshine Boys of the Ruling Elite" - Killdozer
"Half Machine Lip Moves" - Chrome
"Gluey Porch Treatments" - Melvins
"The Crushed Velvet Apocalypse" - The Legendary Pink Dots
"Drowning in Limbo" - Lydia Lunch
"Ladies and Gentlemen, We Are Floating in Space" - Spiritualized
"Easter Everywhere" - 13th Floor Elevators
"The Madcap Laughs" - Syd Barret
"Yerself is Steam" - Mercury Rev
"Here Come The Warm Jets" - Brian Eno
"Bob Dinners and Larry Noodles present Tubby Turdner's Celebrity Avalanche" - Thinking Fellers Union Local 282
"Chairs Missing" - Wire
"Hello" - Half Japanese
"The Untidy Suicides of Your Degenerate Children" - Alice Donut
"Hit to Death in The Future Head" - The Flaming Lips
"Duck Stab" - The Residents
"They Threw Us All In A Trench And Stuck A Monument On Top" - Liars
"Protein Source of the Future... Now!" - The Mountain Goats
"Swordfishtrombones" - Tom Waits
"Songs of Love and Hate" - Leonard Cohen
"Bitches Brew" - Miles Davis
"Some People Deserve To Suffer" - Stick Men With Ray Guns
"Happy Songs For Happy People" - Mogwai
"Maggot Brain" - Funkadelic
"Melody of Certain Damaged Lemons" - Blonde Redhead
"Tweez" - Slint
"Public Castration Is a Good Idea" - Swans
"Stereopathetic Soul Manure" - Beck
"Dial 'M' for Motherfucker" - Pussy Galore
"Show Your Bones" - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Scramble, Good Ted

The eggs Ted had scrambled were poison, but the risk was exciting. Now he has the shakes. He's taking only fluids. He sloshes peach nectar into a glass of spots, slumps onto the chaise lounge. “Here's to the chip off the old headblock,” he says, all pallor and jowls.

Watermelon Begat Watermelon

The above-average scientists of the day brought their noggins together.
"We must figure out how to make a watermelon without seeds", said the hungriest among them.
"Yes," said another, "for when I was a child I had the seeds spit at me. We must make one so that when we take a bite, and our children take their bites, and their children’s children take their bites, they’ll not worry about such things."
And so the scientists worked, removing various genes, splicing together others, until finally one day they had before them a watermelon as full and marbled as any they’d ever seen. Someone took a knife and carved himself a large slice.
"Is it good?"
"Good?" laughed the scientist, "it’s delicious", and quickly devoured the rest.
Staring at the pile of rinds on the laboratory floor, the other scientists bathed in irate.
"You’ve gone and eaten the only evidence of our work, and we’ve no way to grow more!"
"Yes," said the man wiping his mouth, "isn’t it divine!"


Reaction to being dumped:

Women are pathetic doormats and shrill, distrustful harpies that drive people away. God-Fucking-Dammit.
God’s return to earth was a surprise to those who were awaiting Him because they thought that he would come in judgment. Instead, He came in a Learjet, and his small retinue of security agents were gentle, but hard to get to know.

And yet everyone recognized Him and threw garlands at Him and bowed before Him. But He was modest, and said No, no, really, no, and they stopped, and He shook some hands and kissed a baby, which became The Baby That He Kissed, and you know her from her TV show where she helps couples with love and partnership.

Some of us wondered where He had been, but He said Let’s not talk about the past, let’s talk about the present, and the future. Like how great is this country? And have you noticed that some money is taxed twice, and can We fix that? We can.

And I wondered, Can He see everything that we’re doing? And does he know all that we think? And He answered me, and said, Yes, but it’s cool. And I wasn’t sure if it was cool or not.

His followers didn’t ask such questions, they just praised him. And they were surprised when He didn’t make Himself king, but instead declared His candidacy. He said: I’m not demanding obedience, I’m asking for your vote, because I respect you, and I respect the process.

Of course He won, though not by as much as you would have thought. Early polling had Him at 100%, as did middle and late polling, but the actual vote was 51% God, 49% former senator Terry Stevens of Idaho, who got a lot of traction on his I’m One Of You campaign. Some suspected vote fraud, as Steven’s large holdings in Freemont Voting Machines becoming a minor post-election issue, but God said Ok, the votes are in, the American people have chosen, can we not make a big issue about it?

His first acts in office were minor. He eliminated the estate tax for holdings of less than 250,000 dollars, and graduated it for higher sums. He did away with unnecessary soy bean subsidies. He tapped a rock on the White House lawn and a dancing fountain arose, and it was lit with colored lights, and you can still go to see it today.

And I reported this story, and as I wrote it God stood over my shoulder, and He said That’s a nice metaphor; I like that, I really do. And I thanked Him, but I didn’t mean it, and He knew that.

International relations became strained, mostly because other countries were jealous, and some demanded equal rule by deity, and some just laughed, ha ha, because they were atheists and thought that God’s comment at the U.N., I may be God but I’m not gonna tell Secretary General B’shawe how to shave! was very funny.

Many thought God’s changes upon the earth and our land would be more extreme, and it was His followers who first started to grumble, because the rest of the people were too impressed by 18% year-to-year growth. And in the press conference I said Isn’t at least some of this growth due to the policies of your predecessor? And He said I knew you were gonna say that! And I felt dissed by omniscience.

The progressive wing of the party wanted debt relief for third world countries, which He said He was working on, but His followers wanted universal judgment and the burning of the unrighteous in fires of purification and the establishment of the City of God for the saved. And He said The City of God is your town, America, if you make an effort!

But they demanded more, and his popularity with his base faltered, and his approval rating was only 70%, which I wrote was a typical affect of the end of the honeymoon period in newly elected presidents, and God appeared to me and He said you mean effect, not affect, and I said Yeah, that’s what I meant.

And He signed a law allowing victims to testify anonymously in cases of violent or sexual crime, which some said was unconstitutional but the Supreme Court said Far be it from us to judge God wrong!

And crime rates did drop nationwide, and we were thankful, and God said Hey, you know what? That’s My job. So thank you, America, for hiring Me.

And the climate change bill was making progress in committee, and this was seen as a good sign, and our gun rights were not an issue, and God went golfing with the president of Russia, and He got a hole in one.

But at last a cry came out too loud for Him to ignore, and it said We do not need a balanced legislative agenda, we do not need a simplified tax code, we do not need a budget shortfall collection guarantee, we need a sign from You that our beliefs matter, and that we matter, and that we are the blessed jewel of Your creation to which You bequeath the small fraction of Your glory that is salvation.

And God thought about it, and He said Ok. I can see that. I can see where you’re coming from.

And he went into seclusion for 40 minutes, which is known as the time of the Great Darkness, and then he returned after a commercial break, and he said Ok, I have an idea.

And that was when we received our beautiful costumes, our capes and masks and many-colored insignia. And we received our powers. And He said Blessed are the poor in spirit, for you shall have super-strength. Blessed are the mourners, for you shall have stretchy power. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for you shall have flight and either intangibility or eye-beams, but not both, as that would unbalance the whole thing and who could stop you? And blessed are the meek, for you shall have super-intelligence and robots.

And others were also blessed and arrayed in their new clothes. And I asked Him, can I have something a little different? And He said, Sure, what did you have in mind? And I said, could you give me the power to hide from You?

And He said, Wow, that’s sort of a paradox. But sure, why not, to you I grant the power to hide from God.

And while the others played with God in the great gardens that He founded in all places, and while they threw a ball to Him and He tossed it high and they soared in the air to catch it, I stood alone to the side and I watched, and I wrote my reports, and no one saw me, and this made me very, very happy.